14th of June 

first night in my bed, first day almost done.

well still feels strange I must say. i tried to stay in bed longer than I usually do, but I only did for a couple of minutes. then sorted myself out and went to the garden for a coffee. i'm actually nervous and crying even. I am just still not feeling it. to be back. but it was nice to get a coffee in the garden, chat with Linda. but it felt like nothing has changed really. it's only my perception of time - like it was even longer than 3 weeks. grabbing my skateboard afterwards. i still can remember it. yay.

seeing all the messages I haven't reply make me anxious. also the idea seeing people in general doesn't make me happy. i would need another 2 weeks of getting use to this. Newcastle and my life. reality. well at least i have few days where I mostly will be moving out piece by piece and slowly leaving my current house. that's good actually.

still haven't thought about topic - work. need more time for this one. but next week - big gig! so I got in touch with Dan and we're having first rehearsal on Thursday. exciting. i am curious how it will go. i am only in touch with my Austrian friend. she's the only one (and Nadia, when she's available) who can really understand whatever i am going through. I dun have to hide anything from them which is really liberating and i can't be more grateful. it's a gift having such connections. 

15th of June


i went to bed super late from some reason. we had good time with Nadia yesterday. we cooked together and then watch some shite on TV. before I went to the Journey just to try how it feels. i'm finding out i need new places. otherwise it will get to the same old track. and that's definitely not what i want. 

going to Asda but all I can buy is 2 peppers, limes and toilet paper. everything is so expensive. Like for real. good that jbhave this camino mindset so I can get along with rice and lentils only. lol

still lying in bed. strangly feeling the same way as I did before and it gets me thinking about leaving the country (again). I want to be positive of me being back but honestly? it's like coming to this party and only upu have the costume (or other way around). i just can't help but feel that i somehow don't fit. I'm just not feeling it. but obviously still hoping for me to change how I feel about my comeback x

anyways, going for run, cause I miss doing something physical. Ciao


okay. it was a good choice to go for a run. but i should have chosen different shorts. dunno if they're this loose or I lost some weight lol. so it's pretty uncomfortable to put them up all the time.

anyway I managed to finish 5KM, I mean I cud push it but I decided not to. I'm still not back, i stopped at as I call it 'blind spot', i mean few people pass by, but I stopped because I smelt a certain type of tree camino was full of. so it thought it will be nice to stop and write something. i could sense I am a bit overwhelmed by my own head again. so I allowed myself to let it out and cry a bit. ain't hard to change your habits really. but this - allow yourself to feel or stop when you feel like that's enough - it feels so much healthier, it's like eating salad after long long time. you simply know you do the right think for your mind, body and soul. 


so after my running I went out with Nadia. we were chilling in the park and had deep conversations about multiple topics. but more importantly we were soaking up the sun. 

after that we went to my new house, I wanted to show her my new place. then I stayed there and cleaned it, so it's ready for me to move in. it's a big change but hopefully good one. I still have loads of stuff to move in, so I have to do it in those two following days. 

Apparently i'll be busier next days which might be good for me. rehersal in the morning and then i'll be helping out Michael (my previous - current boss?) with food prep. first pizza night on Friday so it will be very busy in the garden. then weekend at work. i'm happy cause it will keep me going and its something I know. I can't deal with more changes for now. so i am pretty grateful to pick up few hours.

on Friday i have last night at my old house and also zoom meeting with Elinor (from First Notes Cohort) - about upcoming gig! which is next week already. still pretty much chilled about it.

gonna do some shopping today cause all i have is toilet paper - i mean important item but need a bit more. hope to have some fresh today finally. also been playing basketball. just trying to do something and enjoy the weather. and i know from the camino that being physically active is crucial. 


so cooked after a long time. Basically just out the veg into the oven - peppers, sweet potato and chickpeas. and i saw pickles so i bought them. delish food but still my stomach is not use to eat this much. need to take it slower. 

also my lovely friend cooked for me as well so for tomorrow (at least) i am sorted. after camino I appreciate such gestures even more. I appreciate food even more. so thank you Nadia! huge help. I also decided to fill a huge box with some of my stuff and take it to my new place. thought my hands will die. painful decision. but yeah, still so much things to move out! Fuck me really. I need to get through my stuff again, because it's unbeliavable how much things I own. or at least it seems like it. 

and that's it. I'm not gonna leave my bed. I'm pretty tired...dunno how but walked and run 15KM overall today. I mean it's good but enough is enough x

Nite nite 

16th of June

dunno why but I stayed up late, couldn't stop eating. then I was that tired that I just fell asleep. again waking up early because of me not having curtains! so annoying really. so pretty tired turning off my alarm and trying to pull myself together. 

cold shower and then it takes me some time to dress up. i can't wear normal clothes, it's so uncomfortable. so putting shorts, light top and sneakers on. it's beautiful weather outside, pretty hot! i like smell of the air and sounds of seaguls. It reminds me camino. Dan is texting me that he's late which is convenient, because I wanted to go to my fav bakery for a coffee and pastry just to have slow morning. 

so i'm in this Chinese garden, already after my lovely breakfast and now i'm gonna head to rehearsal. b y e

17th of June

first time after arrival I had a good sleep. I think i'm ready to leave my room - house and move out and sleep in my new bed. today is gonna be my last sleepover. i'm also working at the garden, helping with first pizza night. will be nice to have something to do. also cashflow would be appreciated not gonna lie. 

i had a conversation with my friend yesterday. friend I fell in love lol. but it calmed me down so i'm gonna try to move on and try to face my reality and see how everything goes. everything is ok. whatever i feel. however i feel about anything. i'm wearing shorts and loose t-shirt everyday cause it feels good. so why think about what other people think if I feel comfortable in what i'm wearing or how I look? 

easier said than done sometimes. but i will try to be even more aware of what I FEEL and what's just the annoying toxic noise from the background (:

later this day...

so I worked from early afternoon...till like 8pm.

i am so tired...not just physically, but...mentally as well. I do things, I smile, I am nice to people, I work, I do my best, really. but it feels so fake. everything. nothing feels good, like honestly good. i don't feel comfortable. in my own body or here, in here.
Obviously still hoping it will change. but since I came back I think of going away. not just for a few weeks but months? for good? I dun know really. uff. I feel just so heavy. like literally.

You expect me to be recharged, full of energy and positive and trust me I dun regret of doing the camino, it's more the opposite. It helped me a lot. and I've changed and discovered a lot. but I simply don't feel it. basically anything. maybe it's just post-camino time period and it will pass. well. fingers crossed (((((:

20th of June

It's 16:51, i am sitting in the park. luckily there's almost no one around. i was craving for having this peaceful time with myself. let the sun soak me in. feel the warmth so if I close my eyes i can be anywhere I want.

somehow I started to meditate. I closed my eyes. was trying to not think about anything. picturing myself on a beach i've never been. deep breaths. in and out. I feel the sand. strong sun. salty water on my lips. how refreshing it is to swim in the ocean. just floating on the water. water so blue. sparkling. I feel so free. i dun need anything else. It's me only. existing in this very moment. I feel the wind. touching the leaves in the woods. trees. i am connected to the nature. I might be disconnected from people but this is something more important. to be able to transfer my mind and body to those places where I can be barefoot. naked. without any pressure. feeling myself, all those elements, textures, smells...everything i'm surrounded by.

maybe this is my new way how to cope with being here. at place I'm not most comfortable at. i just simply followed the moment. I am following what I feel. i felt like I need to take myself out of here. recharge. even for a couple of minutes. in the park I've been in so many times but never felt so peaceful. at one point I cried a little bit. from seeing myself so happy and free. this is me. this me.




i woke up very exhausted this morning. couldn't fall asleep and had so many weird and vivid dreams. what is going on in my mind while I'm asleep?

I tried to pull myself together, had a cold shower and headed to the studio. took me huge amount of time to get ready. nothing felt right. any clothes I picked. the whole time It felt like i'm choking. had hard time to breath. i didn't feel anxious just super uncomfortable in my own body, clothes and being surrounded by people. uff. coming home later on and it's super hard. trying to picture myself on the camino so I can get home somehow.

I cooked. cleaned, just to keep myself occupied a bit. had a shower. put light clothes on. I can't wear long sleeved clothing. i need to breath. brought myself out, was thinking of continue with drawing but I dun feel it. instead of it I just am and it feels good. well. better...

gonna go home in a bit, eat something, even though I dun have much appetite and in general there's still something off when it comes to food - eating...

gonna try and will attend this event, part of generator festival. i can always leave. no pressure. just want to experience it. dun want to build walls and lock myself up and distance myself even more.